Building Rapport Vs ‘Being a Friend’ With Students
Why We Need To Know The Difference.
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Teaching can be a tough gig. At the same time, it can be the most rewarding profession possible.
One factor that makes teaching tough - really tough - is rapport. Or more precisely, the lack of it! When rapport between you and your students is absent, the teaching becomes unnecessarily tough. What is rapport-building?
The Improving Second Language Education website sums it up nicely: ‘Building student rapport is the development of a positive relation(ship) between the teacher and the students.’
Why building rapport with students is vital
Establishing rapport with students in a classroom is important for many reasons, all of which are explored in the article ‘The Benefits of Having Good Rapport with Students’. To name three, rapport not only builds trust between the teacher and students, but it also boosts students' confidence and allows for a fun learning environment.
All aspects of teaching require a teacher to have some sort of rapport with students. Students will retain more information and perform better in classes when the teacher is engaged and shows love for their job as well as an interest in their students. Two commonly-held misconceptions about rapport, held by teachers
When I work with teachers, I often mention that building rapport with students is an important non-negotiable. Some teachers resist this suggestion. Their resistance is almost always premised on one of two misconceptions.
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- Trying to gain rapport with students is akin to wanting to be their friend.
- It’s not my job to try to make students like me.
Unpacking misconception 1: Trying to gain rapport with students is akin to wanting to be their friend.
There is a big difference between striving to be a friend with a student and striving to build rapport. The actions required for each are poles apart. The behaviours that drive them are so different that it is surprising they are part of the same misconception. Nevertheless, some teachers confuse the two.
Actions that drive rapport are mature and professional. They aim to build a bond between the teacher and the student, which, ultimately, will enhance learning. Sometimes teachers need to go out of their way to build rapport with a difficult student because they know their current lack of rapport with that student is creating difficulties in class.
On the other hand, striving to be a friend with students is unprofessional. It is not driven by professional reasons. A teacher who is striving for friendship rather than rapport lacks maturity and wisdom. This is not a criticism, rather, a statement of fact. Most young, beginner teachers take several years to determine where the line is between friendship and rapport.
There is a big difference between striving to be a friend with a student and striving to build rapport. The actions required for each are poles apart. The behaviours that drive them are so different that it is surprising they are part of the same misconception. Nevertheless, some teachers confuse the two.
Actions that drive rapport are mature and professional. They aim to build a bond between the teacher and the student, which, ultimately, will enhance learning. Sometimes teachers need to go out of their way to build rapport with a difficult student because they know their current lack of rapport with that student is creating difficulties in class.
On the other hand, striving to be a friend with students is unprofessional. It is not driven by professional reasons. A teacher who is striving for friendship rather than rapport lacks maturity and wisdom. This is not a criticism, rather, a statement of fact. Most young, beginner teachers take several years to determine where the line is between friendship and rapport.
What ‘striving to be a friend with students’ looks like
This is important to unpack, especially for early-career teachers. Note that I’m writing from my own viewpoint and experience. Below are some indicators that a teacher is striving for friendship rather than building rapport.
Looking back on my earliest years of teaching, I can see some of my actions with students blurred the lines between friendship and rapport. There was a part of me that wanted the friendship ticket, but I think I found the professional balance fairly quickly. It takes a while to learn where to set the boundaries, to learn what professional rapport building behaviour is compared to behaviours that are of the friendship building type.
In summary, trying to build rapport with students is NOT akin to wanting to be their friend - they are completely different behaviours; rapport building greatly supports the teacher’s efforts to teach, the latter does not.
- The teacher acts in ways that are driven by a desire to impress students.
- The teacher shares personal stories to students that are only appropriate to be shared with adult friends.
- An early twenties teacher holds a party for early twenties friends but inviting year 10, 11 and/or 12 students to it (!!)
Looking back on my earliest years of teaching, I can see some of my actions with students blurred the lines between friendship and rapport. There was a part of me that wanted the friendship ticket, but I think I found the professional balance fairly quickly. It takes a while to learn where to set the boundaries, to learn what professional rapport building behaviour is compared to behaviours that are of the friendship building type.
In summary, trying to build rapport with students is NOT akin to wanting to be their friend - they are completely different behaviours; rapport building greatly supports the teacher’s efforts to teach, the latter does not.
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Unpacking misconception 2: It’s not my job to try to make students like me.
This is the second most common reason used by teachers who resist the idea that rapport building is a necessary part of teaching. Obviously related to misconception #1, this one is also slightly more pointed. Here, the teacher is saying:
“I do what I do, and if the students don’t like me, then that’s their business, not mine. I work hard to teach well - I’m not going to waste effort on trying to have the students like me.”
Deeeerrrrnnnntttt (That was the big, loud, red wrong-answer buzzer.)
This is the second most common reason used by teachers who resist the idea that rapport building is a necessary part of teaching. Obviously related to misconception #1, this one is also slightly more pointed. Here, the teacher is saying:
“I do what I do, and if the students don’t like me, then that’s their business, not mine. I work hard to teach well - I’m not going to waste effort on trying to have the students like me.”
Deeeerrrrnnnntttt (That was the big, loud, red wrong-answer buzzer.)
Steve Biidhulf, the notable Australian psychologist, in an ABC Radio National interview stated (and I’m paraphrasing) “If a boy thinks a teacher doesn’t like him then he cannot learn. Girls tend to be a little more resilient and are more able to learn in spite of their teacher, although ideally, it helps if girls think their teacher likes them. But for boys, it’s non-negotiable.”
Note that Biddhulph is not saying teachers must like their students. Nor is he saying that the students must like their teacher. He is stating something more profound, namely that students - especially boys - need to believe that their teacher likes them (or at least NOT think that his teacher does NOT like him!)
This is pertinent because sometimes, you do like a student and then discover at the parent interview that the student thinks you don’t. The takeaway, then, is that our actions need to be perceived by students as ‘my teacher likes me’. We are in the game of having students learn from us. In order to achieve this, we need to ensure that our students sense that we like them.
Note that Biddhulph is not saying teachers must like their students. Nor is he saying that the students must like their teacher. He is stating something more profound, namely that students - especially boys - need to believe that their teacher likes them (or at least NOT think that his teacher does NOT like him!)
This is pertinent because sometimes, you do like a student and then discover at the parent interview that the student thinks you don’t. The takeaway, then, is that our actions need to be perceived by students as ‘my teacher likes me’. We are in the game of having students learn from us. In order to achieve this, we need to ensure that our students sense that we like them.
Ways to build rapport
Some of the points below are expanded in this article:
- Be sincere.
- See students as human beings worthy of conversing with. Converse with them.
- Always look for the good in students.
- Say hello outside of your lessons.
- Find out a student’s interests. Then, initiate conversations about them.
- Attend events that students are involved in - sporting, drama, music. Then bring up those events in conversation, asking questions to build rapport.
I’m very off-side with a student. It would be weird to just turn up to her event.
In regard to the final bullet, above, I’m not convinced that it is inappropriate to turn up unannounced to a student’s event.
However, if you don't want to turn up to an event but are looking for an icebreaker, I’d recommend a 'fireside chat'. In fact, the fireside chat is ideal for any serious type of conversation with a student. By fireside chat, I’m referring to a one-on-one, chat that is respectful, without accusation, without any ‘I’m the teacher and I’m speaking down to you’ demeanour but without any sense of trying to be a friend.
However, if you don't want to turn up to an event but are looking for an icebreaker, I’d recommend a 'fireside chat'. In fact, the fireside chat is ideal for any serious type of conversation with a student. By fireside chat, I’m referring to a one-on-one, chat that is respectful, without accusation, without any ‘I’m the teacher and I’m speaking down to you’ demeanour but without any sense of trying to be a friend.
Call to Action
Do you agree that building rapport with your students is crucial? What strategies do you find help build rapport, as opposed to building a friendship? We’d love to hear from you in the comments below!
